I remember the first day I saw you. Introduced by a mutual friend. You shined brightly while trying to hide in the crowd. We meet again in a drive thru window. An invitation. A long night of touch and bruises followed by breakfast was all I thought there'd ever be. When you wished me a happy birthday... I have been excited to see your name on my caller id ever since that day. Seeing the many faces of you over the next few months made me want to know more. More of you but had to put the brakes on. When you asked what to call me one drunken morning, I was confused. I let you set the pace for whatever this would become. Something I am not used to is giving the reigns of my heart to another so easily. But you rolled me like a vampire. I'd never been taken so fast and hard before. Something you found easy to do others found to be challenging and too much work.
When you asked me why I loved you, took care of you when you were sunburned and drunk... I didn't understand the question. It's what I do. I give, I nurture, I love those who love me. It's what you're supposed to do. It's how I am made. When the simple things that I'd do for any friend, family or lover was something new for you. I just wanted to give you all of those things you deserve. The new places, foods and people to share with you made me happy. Being wrapped up with you felt good. Knowing you wanted me as strongly as I want you gave me a high like no other. Being able to see myself through your eyes made me feel special. I started to feel the beauty you call me. You led me back to something I lost a long time ago.
The thing about all of this is you called me. In your times of crisis, you called me. I've never said no to you. I've found ways to make sure you're ok when something went wrong because you called me. Climb out of bed because you're stranded and drunk on a strange road. Closing up work early to take you to an emergency room. Missing work to make sure you're settled in at home and ok until I can get back to you. I did it all because you called me. You asked for me. I am made that way. I do these things because I love you. No other reason but to make sure you're ok. I tell you honestly I am scared of love you. Because I give to you so easily, without question without regard to myself, I started to question a lot of things.
Through all of this you do things to my body that I can't explain. A roller coaster ride of ecstasy that I've never had. You dove in to me like no other has. I developed a taste for you that couldn't be changed. I started to mold to your touch. I recognized it and tried to do everything to avoid it. Then you'd look at me. I couldn't figure out a good reason to fight against what you were giving me. I let all of my guard down. Suddenly I am drowning in you. I can see all of your dreams and happy places. Sharing that much psychic energy with you was amazing. Seeing all of the places and things you love. When you started to build on for me... I couldn't believe you were making a place for me inside. Knowing you were offering me a place in your happiness frightened me. I didn't think I could live up to your expectations. Finding out I was exceeding everyone before me made me cautious.
You asked for a break. All I could think is you needed time to build up the courage to leave me. I set myself up to believe this was the end. The closing a "The moment" you said we would share was at hand. I cried because I had seen so many other things happening between us. But I gave you the space. You trying to shut me out because of fear made me fight for you, for us. I'd give you all the room in the world just to have you look at me like I am all that matters. The way you look at me made me feel special. I felt like I could do anything. The way you touched me. So gentle as if I was actually something fragile and precious. Having someone finally care for me that way was worth fighting for. And I told you so.
Of all the wrongs that have happened between us, it isn't what sticks with me, Of all the things that we've shared naked, it isn't the first memory I have when thinking of you. It's the soft caress to my cheek that eases my pain. It's the ride in your pick up, my legs across your lap and the smile on your face. It's the cozy on the couch intertwined limbs and quiet on a Sunday morning. I am sure you never thought this is how I felt. Or that what I miss most about you isn't sexual. As I said to you when we last spoke. I miss your kiss. I long for you to simply touch me. Hold my hand in the car. The kiss on my cheek that makes me giggle. I miss those things most.
The moment you couldn't connect to me anymore, I saw the end. When things started to become routine, I saw the end. I kept telling myself that you'd tell me when it was over. I didn't want to push you in any real direction. I was being selfish trying to hold onto whatever you were offering me. When I saw it get harder for you I just waited for the words. But you still melted to my touch. Our physical response to each other hadn't changed. I was so confused on what to do with whatever was left. You couldn't answer my questions. You said you were lost in what to do. So here we are. Sharing breakfast at 4:30am. Not wanting to talk about what is happening. Not wanting to really know what's happening. But you laid it out there. I still don't fully understand.
I wanted nothing more than to have you cut me into pieces and say you don't want me anymore. It would have been clean, no mixed feelings and utterly painful. I wanted this because it is something I can understand. Something tangible. I can understand not wanting to share me with others, I can understand that I am overly sexual where you aren't and it's to much. I can understand that I work too much without enough time for anything. These are things about myself understand could make people want to leave. But that isn't what happened. You told me it would be a lie to say you don't want me. That you couldn't give me all the things I deserve right now. That you needed to take care of yourself. You said you wouldn't ask me to wait for you. But... It's all of the uncertainties.. I can't let you go. My heart says this isn't the end. But... It's all the unknown. that makes me pause. It's what still makes me cry when we're not together.
I dream of you. I touch myself when I think of our beginning. Something inside me says we aren't done. Everything about this has some unfinished quality about it. So when I sent my last letter to you saying you're worth it. Saying you're worth every ache, missing your touch. Said you're worth every lost moment of sleep on those pages. You're worth waiting for. You're worth fighting for. Your love is worth the heartache I still endure when I see your photos. So I sat on this letter. I had trouble finishing it. I had trouble admitting my love for you this way. I had trouble admitting I am still in love with you. Realizing I tattooed those flowers you planted for me on my flesh.... Let me know I can't hide from how I feel for you. I can no longer deny it. If all I have at the end is tattoos to remind me of one long moment. A moment a passion, pain and entanglement is all that is left when it's said and done. I think I can live with that.
PS As you once said... This is where it stops. I don't want to do this again after you. Loving like this, loving you like this is where it all stops for me.
